I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
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Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense