*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
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[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill