hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
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Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Mmmm canned fish.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.