I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
*exercises sarcastically*
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
*performs CPR on the turkey*
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.