Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
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Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
notice
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
there has never been a better use of this meme
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”