I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
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My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him: