You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
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Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help