said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
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The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble