My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
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Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.