I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
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wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.