Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
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Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
🤭😂
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
At least he brought enough for everyone
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me: