ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
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*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Cucumbers Anonymous
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”