If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
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It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.