Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
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Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
what’s the point then??
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
also my go-to takeaway order
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Moms. The original autocorrect.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.