[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
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Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Employees must applaud the planets.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.