I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
You Might Also Like
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.