Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
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I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Everything reminds me of my ex
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)