When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
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If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.