A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
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I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Yup….perfect score!
Meow
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*