Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
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If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Doug is just Canadian for dog
こいつ天才
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking