-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
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Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.