Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
You Might Also Like
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.