[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
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Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second