Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
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Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.