11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
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Have kids, they said
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
A new level of troll.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.