*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
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Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?