[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
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Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
This is why I hate group projects
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
My birth announcement for our third baby