Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
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“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
sugar glider wrangler
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.