*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
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I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?