Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
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*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*