People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
You Might Also Like
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
“No way.” -Jose
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after