FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
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Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.