Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
You Might Also Like
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I love twitter
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
plant them where lol
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.