[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
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Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.