Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
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Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Very good news from my accountant
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.