It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
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You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I need to update my racial profile.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.