I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
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Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Things will get butter, keep churning
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know