If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.