GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
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I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Me as a therapist: omg same
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.