My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
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[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.