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“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking