Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
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when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Hero horse inspires millions
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.