No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
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Why would I want to fund a crowd?
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.