You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
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Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score