According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
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Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.