You Might Also Like
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious