Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
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If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
okay run it by me one more time
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.