She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
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Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*