They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
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For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Imagine having a party on purpose.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.