Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
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* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work